Daksh & I

I am posting my first article on my blog page. As it can be seen it’s about Daksh. I attempted writing on other topics but it couldn’t materialize. As the name of the blog page suggests I am going to write about absolutely anything and everything that comes to my mind. So thought of starting my blogging career by writing about myself – Daksh, an arbit personality whom even I am trying to understand (as is evident I have been unsuccessful in that).

I am a tall, fair boy, who is extremely lean and appears to be grossly underweight. (I have reduced 8 kilos in past 2 years, going at this rate I will be extinct in next 15 years). I am no hunk (far from it actually). I would like to become one, one day. (body like hrithik roshan). I am pretty insecure of my body. I have my hair combed in same fashion from the time I can remember. I like it that way. My Father gave me that hairstyle and I haven’t changed it since. I generally wear branded stuff (I haven’t bought any of them except my pair of shoes). I am not frenzy about them or anything. I just happen to have them. I like to be dressed properly all the time. I walk in a rather weird fashion with my shoulders being upright and straight. It has now made me conscious of my walk (though lately). I am bespectacled for 9 years. I am now habitual of them. I own a pair of contact lenses which I rarely wear (they are such a pain to wear). I would like to wear sunglasses but I don’t own them. I want to wear branded ones which are stylish and durable. (can’t wear the ones from the roadside).

I speak very fast (so fast that most of the times people can’t understand what I am saying). My vocabulary of English language is poor (its good enough to communicate and express my thoughts completely). I am interested in improving it, but don’t know any sure shot way of improving it. I have given up on it as I don’t think there is much chance of improvement. I try to entertain others when I am given a chance. I speak for long hours given an opportunity. I crack stupid jokes which wouldn’t make me laugh most of the times. I have an okayish sense of humor (far from being called good or even decent). I use my hands a lot in the sense that I move them a lot. I like entertaining people being physical (not harmful to boys or dangerous to girls) as my mouth can’t do it properly. I am kind of a shy person sometimes.

I want to do so many things in life. Basically I want to experience everything in life. Presently, I might say I want to do an MBA from a foreign university. But I don’t care much about it either. A couple of years back I wanted to become an IAS officer and then a politician. I later realized doing IAS is really tough (have to give like nine exams, with knowledge in around 2-3 subjects of the level of masters of those subjects). My ambitions change every now and then. I have many alternatives which can keep me happy in future. Not only will an MBA or becoming politician will help me achieve that. (though they are one of the many things which will give me satisfaction). I want to be happy. Managing a football club will make me happy. Becoming a CEO of a company will make me happy. Setting up my own business will make me happy. I want to do something which satisfies me. I also want to have money in life. (Lots of it???, yeah why not!!!)

I respect money. I know money has great importance in my life. I can’t live without it. I also know it’s not everything. To me it is just a means to have all materialistic comforts that world can provide. (I agree socially it has lot of importance and I realize that also). I just dream, sometimes if I had more money I would have done so many things in life which I wanted to do. By the time I can earn that much money I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I dream of (maybe my children will be able to do them).

This brings my mind to another important aspect of my life – Girl. I don’t want one presently as I know my life is in a transitional phase. I run behind females as if I want to marry them or have sex with them then and there itself (as if they would want to have it with a lean guy who is no hunk). I don’t even care about the females I look on street. I don’t even look at them carefully. I do stare at them (which even I don’t like). I just do it because it kind of attracts other people’s attention (in a group) to what I am saying (rather doing). I had a girl friend a many years back for a couple of years. I loved her a lot but it somehow didn’t work out. I had an experience of a lifetime in that relationship. I never talk to anyone about what happened, how we separated. It was just destined to happen. I was a really bad boy friend. I was totally insecure about her. I was really possessive about her. Its good for her that it ended. I am not rather particularly happy about what had happened. I am still bothered by it. I try to take it out of my mind but when I am alone it gets back to me. I have kind of become used to living with it. I talk about her to some people sometimes. I don’t really care much about her now. But if she comes and talks to me I am fine with it. I don’t love her now. Neither am I much bothered about her present. Its just the past that we shared doesn’t leave me. I am just reminded of it when I am alone and have absolutely nothing else to do (they say “empty mind’s a devil’s place”). I am sure that this will soon go as I step into a new world. I don’t like people asking me questions about how we broke up. I feel its not anyone’s business. I can’t tell about it to anyone as I feel embarrassed to say it. There were mistakes committed by both of us. I don’t blame her neither do I take the complete blame for it. I want to forget about it as soon as possible. I have learnt a lot from it. I am the person I am now because of it. I know I have grown from that relationship in the right way. I am guilty of what all wrong I did to her. I can never forgive myself for it. I Hate myself for it. I talk about her a lot sometimes (about relationship and stuff) which even I don’t like and I don’t know why. I sometimes consider it a big deal, and as if it was something very big (though it was). I don’t want to think like that but I still do. I know I am confused. I am scared to enter into a relationship after last time’s experience (provided I get a girl friend). I feel it is highly unlikely for me to get a girl in next couple of years (until I change myself). I have a rather strange attitude towards females. I treat them like boys many a times. I do so as I feel I should behave in the same way in front of everyone. I don’t think they feel bad for the language I use, or the things I say. I don’t know what kind of girl I want to date in future (her characteristics and stuff). I know if I like the girl that would do. I don’t care much about how they look (its just an initial attraction which soon fades away). I do care about how the girl is in person. I am basically a bit confused about this. When I get a girl or marry one I would be able to tell better (I would myself know better).

I have done decently in academics. I consider myself intelligent. I consider everyone has brains, its just that some people apply others don’t (due to the circumstances or whatever some are able to apply, some are not). I don’t consider myself as the smartest person, rather a smart person. I am a pervert of some sort. I like to watch porn for physical satisfaction (rather sexual satisfaction). I like watching and playing some games, which I like (though I suck at playing games). I would like to change this one day. I am a highly optimistic person. I believe in striving for things until u get them. ‘Practice makes a Man Perfect’, I strongly believe in it. I have an extremely strong mind, in the sense I am a determined person. I tend to be complacent at times. I am trying hard to work on that. I am an honest person (or try to be always). I have lied enough in life not to be called one though. I am not a mean person, and always try not to be mean to anyone. I try my level best to help others, but sometimes it’s just not good enough. I am an emotional and sensitive person. I never forget if someone has done something wrong to me (or I feel they have). I can’t forgive any mistake or any wrong someone has done to me (you have committed a mistake, accepting it won’t change anything). Though, I can’t be angry on people for too long. I just stop caring about them. Sometimes I tend to discuss a lot, most of the times I am right. But still I don’t like doing it, but still I do it. I am a very moody person. I don’t like it, but still am, trying to change it. I don’t like to be rude with people. I use a lot of abusive language. I don’t like it. I am trying to stop using it. I have been rude to people which I myself don’t like. I regret it afterwards. I tend to say things without realizing what impact it might have on other person. I consider myself a mature person; still I say things which hurt people. I really don’t like hurting people or saying things which disturb them. I am a philosophical person. I like to counsel people. I don’t know why, it makes me feel better. I like it when someone takes my advice, follows it and it works for them. I don’t mind if someone doesn’t follow my suggestion, even if he/she had asked for it (it’s for the individual to decide what’s right or wrong for them, I am no one to decide). I have a good memory. I tend to remember birthdates to phone numbers of the people I want to. I don’t forget such things. I always remember if someone does something good to me. I never forget the favors people have done for me. I use the word ‘sorry’ a lot. I really don’t mean it always (it just makes others feel happy, that’s why I use it). I sometimes mean it and apologize continuously for long time. I don’t like people advising me. I never go to anyone to advice me. I am born with enough brains to know what is right or wrong. I know when I have been done something wrong or been wrong to someone. I feel bad about it. I don’t want others to remind me continuously if I was wrong. If someone says it to me once it’s fine. I like it when people criticize me. Firstly, I am at least noticeable that people are pointing out my mistake. Secondly, it helps me get better. I like to better myself if I am wrong. I know I have committed many mistakes in life, many of which are irreversible. I learn from my mistakes and try not to commit them again in future. I don’t like to miss any action happening around me (but strangely I nearly always miss it, wrong timing). I don’t have many ideas about where should the group go or stuff. I haven’t been much outside my home to know what all places are there. I agree with my friends to go where ever they decide. I am kind of a pushover in this case. I don’t like when people in a group fight over such trivial issues (about where to go), just to satisfy their egos. I am not a very egoistic person. I like it when I am the center of attraction. I also like when people give me attention (rather me earning it, it’s a rarity). I don’t have the best of narrating skills (its so bad that it can’t be described as skill). I am a very insecure person. I am insecure of all the people around me (be it friends, brother, in past girlfriend) except my parents. I hate to be sidelined and ignored.(I feel when u r with me be with me, give me more attention than anyone else).I am a trustable person. I never tell something about someone else when that person has entrusted me to keep it with me. I believe that all the information which i dont learn personally from the person about whom it is, i can tell others and join in gossiping. I do gossip but I don't like doing it. I am confused about many issues in life. I always wanted life to be simple without any complexities. I was wrong. At one point of time, my life was so complex, that even I forgot what part I was playing in it. I want my life from now onwards to be simple but I am sure it won’t be. I know this is how I can learn in life. This is how I can be a better person. I want to spend one complete day where I don’t commit mistakes (like hurting people, discussing, using abusive language etc). It’s my ultimate dream to be a good person in front of my own eyes. I love some people. I don’t hate anyone. I just Hate ‘Daksh’ for all the wrongs I have done in my life. Given a chance I would only like to change myself.

I want to change myself a lot to be a better person. I will keep improving myself till I die. Though my name means perfection I know I have to struggle hard to achieve it. I want to be rich in life, be happy in life and be someone who would make me proud.
I want to make others happy also but that is after I am happy and satisfied.


Post Script: If I have forgotten to write something, then one is free to add anything in comments section.